I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
