Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think my mom watched the whole time
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
