Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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