We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
