Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
