I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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