i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
