My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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