You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
