I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.