i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
