His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
