Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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