She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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