I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
