She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
