It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
