I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
