the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
