don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
