no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
