she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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