I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
