Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
