I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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