Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
