Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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