My room smells like vodka and shame
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
