the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
