I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
