I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
