We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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