I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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