Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
