I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
