For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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