Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just want to make out with him forever
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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