I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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