He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
