i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
