Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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