girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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