I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
