Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
