if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
