Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
