bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
