If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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