Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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