I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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