Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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