DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
