i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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