Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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