I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
