she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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