I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
