I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize