woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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